I dedicate this post to all you brothers taking long trips down South... Virginia, Baltimore, all around the world, and your girl gets this message that you ain't coming back... she's sittin' back in her room, the lights is off, she's crying, and then my voice comes in... POW!, in the middle of the night, and this is what I told her for you:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I'll be gone most of the week, so here's to all my family and friends having a wonderful holiday. Remember, the spirit of Christmas isn't about just buying gifts, but, specifically, buying gifts for me! And don't forget gift receipts - I'm sure I don't want the crap you picked out... (OMG! Just kidding! You got me a sweater with a puppy on it? I LOVE IT!)
And to my friends who don't celebrate Christmas... Jesus hates you!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Safety In Number Two
A while back, in Weekend Wrapup #3, I told a story about a certain incident at Sarah's house. This has become a topic of great interest among some of my readers, and I have been asked to go into greater detail regarding my pooping-policy.
But really, it's not so much policy as it is simply what my body tells me to do. See, I have this thing where I never have to poop until I reach what I call a "safe toilet". For example, I could be at work all the live-long day, not having to poop, but once I open the door to my house, I basically need to run to the bathroom. See, in this example, critical mass was probably achieved well before I got home, but my body won't allow it to come out until I feel safe. Of course, it's all mental, but it's completely involuntary.
However, I have been able to pinpoint the qualities that can make a certain toilet 'safe', and I'd be glad to share them:
1. Cleanliness. A toilet must be impeccably clean. This is why my home toilet will always qualify as safe - because I can be in complete control of its cleanliness. And it's a very good thing that my home toilet is always safe, because I would be quite backed up otherwise.
2. Quiet. A toilet is like a fortress of solitude. Safe toilets are always in low-traffic, low-interruption areas. Also, even the home toilet is temporarily unsafe if there is some sort of gathering of people. Basically, no one should be allowed to know you are pooping - it should be handled as a completely clandestine operation. It needs to be handled with such decorum that, five minutes later, you can pretend it never happened.
3. Infrequent Usage. This basically disqualifies any public restroom, and rightly so (unless you can find a secret bathroom, like one I found at college - then you've got a very special relationship). Who wants to share ass-space with the general public? Have you seen the general public? They're gross. A safe toilet must be shared with as few people as possible. This sounds a little selfish, but remember, I didn't consciously create these rules, I just noticed how my body works and figured them out.
4. Strength. A safe toilet must be able to destroy all evidence - it must be able to handle anything you can throw at it. Now, since it's so hard for me to find an appropriate toilet, I can often go several days without pooping. This means that when I do poop, it can be a real toilet python. Or sometimes even a big brown baby. That said, the strength to handle my assault is the most elusive of all the safe toilet qualities.
5. Comfort. Basically all the previous qualities lead to a general feeling of comfort. However, occasionally a toilet will meet the other requirements, but it just doesn't feel right, and the mission must be aborted. That's a comfort issue. This one is difficult to explain, as it is simply a gut feeling, but, believe me, it's important.
So there we are... I've let you all into a small slice of my psychosis. Fortunately, I rarely suffer due to these rules; as I said, my body doesn't even alert me to the fact that I have to poop until I've reached a safe toilet destination.
It should be noted that there have been exceptions... often if I'm either sick or if I have simply pushed my body too far. But that's very infrequent. For example, I don't remember pooping in my High School. At the job I've worked for almost four years, I've pooped maybe twice. Ironically, the times where I'm absolutely forced to poop somewhere I wouldn't normally poop are the very times when disaster is most likely to strike, as I have likely created such a mighty log that no toilet should be expected to swallow it.
So, here I'd like to open this up to discussion (ahem, Traci...). Your thoughts?
But really, it's not so much policy as it is simply what my body tells me to do. See, I have this thing where I never have to poop until I reach what I call a "safe toilet". For example, I could be at work all the live-long day, not having to poop, but once I open the door to my house, I basically need to run to the bathroom. See, in this example, critical mass was probably achieved well before I got home, but my body won't allow it to come out until I feel safe. Of course, it's all mental, but it's completely involuntary.
However, I have been able to pinpoint the qualities that can make a certain toilet 'safe', and I'd be glad to share them:
1. Cleanliness. A toilet must be impeccably clean. This is why my home toilet will always qualify as safe - because I can be in complete control of its cleanliness. And it's a very good thing that my home toilet is always safe, because I would be quite backed up otherwise.
2. Quiet. A toilet is like a fortress of solitude. Safe toilets are always in low-traffic, low-interruption areas. Also, even the home toilet is temporarily unsafe if there is some sort of gathering of people. Basically, no one should be allowed to know you are pooping - it should be handled as a completely clandestine operation. It needs to be handled with such decorum that, five minutes later, you can pretend it never happened.
3. Infrequent Usage. This basically disqualifies any public restroom, and rightly so (unless you can find a secret bathroom, like one I found at college - then you've got a very special relationship). Who wants to share ass-space with the general public? Have you seen the general public? They're gross. A safe toilet must be shared with as few people as possible. This sounds a little selfish, but remember, I didn't consciously create these rules, I just noticed how my body works and figured them out.
4. Strength. A safe toilet must be able to destroy all evidence - it must be able to handle anything you can throw at it. Now, since it's so hard for me to find an appropriate toilet, I can often go several days without pooping. This means that when I do poop, it can be a real toilet python. Or sometimes even a big brown baby. That said, the strength to handle my assault is the most elusive of all the safe toilet qualities.
5. Comfort. Basically all the previous qualities lead to a general feeling of comfort. However, occasionally a toilet will meet the other requirements, but it just doesn't feel right, and the mission must be aborted. That's a comfort issue. This one is difficult to explain, as it is simply a gut feeling, but, believe me, it's important.
So there we are... I've let you all into a small slice of my psychosis. Fortunately, I rarely suffer due to these rules; as I said, my body doesn't even alert me to the fact that I have to poop until I've reached a safe toilet destination.
It should be noted that there have been exceptions... often if I'm either sick or if I have simply pushed my body too far. But that's very infrequent. For example, I don't remember pooping in my High School. At the job I've worked for almost four years, I've pooped maybe twice. Ironically, the times where I'm absolutely forced to poop somewhere I wouldn't normally poop are the very times when disaster is most likely to strike, as I have likely created such a mighty log that no toilet should be expected to swallow it.
So, here I'd like to open this up to discussion (ahem, Traci...). Your thoughts?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Weekend Wrapup, vol. 4
This evening, Sarah asked me if I was planning on doing one of these weekend wrapup things. I hadn't even considered it, both because I forgot and because I had a particularly uneventful weekend. But, I'll give it a shot (and you can all tell me what fascinating reading this was).
Friday - I definitely went to work. I really can't remember what happened after that. I bet it involved watching basketball and going to bed.
Saturday - Seriously, I can't remember. That's fairly unusual for me. I know that by 7pm I was on the recliner watching basketball and drinking beer. That lasted until around 1am, and basketball turned into SNL at some point. Then, as I was getting ready for bed, Sarah called. I talked to her for a while as she waited for Mardi to finish making out with random dude and get in the car. Then I chatted with Becca for a few. Then Sarah called again, this time with Mardi and random dude in the car on the way to Becca's. At this point, I was developing a tummyache. After finishing all conversations, I went to bed. I did not sleep, however, due to the increase in tummyache. By 5am, tummyache reached critical mass, at which point I ran to the bathroom to throw up for a while. It was very unpleasant. Once pukefest was over, I went to bed for real.
Sunday - Then I stayed in bed. Then I stayed in bed some more. Then I got up to brush my teeth, but aborted that mission and crawled right back into bed. All told, between 5am Sunday and 8am Monday, when I got up to go to work, I spent less than an hour outside of my bed. Good times!
Friday - I definitely went to work. I really can't remember what happened after that. I bet it involved watching basketball and going to bed.
Saturday - Seriously, I can't remember. That's fairly unusual for me. I know that by 7pm I was on the recliner watching basketball and drinking beer. That lasted until around 1am, and basketball turned into SNL at some point. Then, as I was getting ready for bed, Sarah called. I talked to her for a while as she waited for Mardi to finish making out with random dude and get in the car. Then I chatted with Becca for a few. Then Sarah called again, this time with Mardi and random dude in the car on the way to Becca's. At this point, I was developing a tummyache. After finishing all conversations, I went to bed. I did not sleep, however, due to the increase in tummyache. By 5am, tummyache reached critical mass, at which point I ran to the bathroom to throw up for a while. It was very unpleasant. Once pukefest was over, I went to bed for real.
Sunday - Then I stayed in bed. Then I stayed in bed some more. Then I got up to brush my teeth, but aborted that mission and crawled right back into bed. All told, between 5am Sunday and 8am Monday, when I got up to go to work, I spent less than an hour outside of my bed. Good times!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Nice to meet you, Katelyn...
This is a baby.
She was made by Kenny and Joy.
They call her Katelyn.
So do I.
Occasional Keithsong-subjects Kenny and Joy had a baby! Eleven-and-a-half months later, they came to New York. On Wednesday I went up to the Poughkeepsie area to see them, and to finally meet this baby I had heard so much about. It was delightful.
So congratulations on making a beautiful kiddo, and for getting to be the first picture on my blog!
She was made by Kenny and Joy.
They call her Katelyn.
So do I.
Occasional Keithsong-subjects Kenny and Joy had a baby! Eleven-and-a-half months later, they came to New York. On Wednesday I went up to the Poughkeepsie area to see them, and to finally meet this baby I had heard so much about. It was delightful.
So congratulations on making a beautiful kiddo, and for getting to be the first picture on my blog!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Silly Rabbit...
They're back!!!
Allow me to set the scene: It's around 1991, Trix has just become my favorite cereal, replacing long-standing favorite Frosted Flakes. I'm madly in love with these little colored balls, when some genius decides to change them into fruit shapes. Trix holds on to the top spot for a while, but only due to my loving memory of the ball-shaped variety. Eventually, Trix is replaced by Froot Loops (who, by the way, had an absolutely historic run in the list of Keith's favorite cereals - see below).
Flash forward to today: I'm at Target, aiming to fix my household lack of Total Raisin Bran, when I look over and see Trix. But it's not the lame fruit shapes I see, THEY ARE BACK TO THE COLORED BALLS!!! I am in no way kidding when I say I stood there, put my hand over my dropped jaw and quietly said "Oh my God". It was really quite touching. There were no witnesses, which I'm kind of glad about, as I may have been overreacting, but I got lost in the moment.
Appendix A: Keith's favorite cereals by year.
1978-1982 - no cereal preference, just taking whatever Mom is giving me
1983-1987 - Rice Krispies
1988-1990 - Frosted Flakes
1991-1992 - Trix
1993-2004 - Froot Loops (Seriously, can this ever happen again? 12 years? Incredible. The sad thing is that I may have already had my life's greatest cereal love, and I let it slip away. I'm sure I didn't truly appreciate it while it was happening, and now my best cereal years are probably behind me.)
2005 - Wheaties
2006 - Total Raisin Bran
Allow me to set the scene: It's around 1991, Trix has just become my favorite cereal, replacing long-standing favorite Frosted Flakes. I'm madly in love with these little colored balls, when some genius decides to change them into fruit shapes. Trix holds on to the top spot for a while, but only due to my loving memory of the ball-shaped variety. Eventually, Trix is replaced by Froot Loops (who, by the way, had an absolutely historic run in the list of Keith's favorite cereals - see below).
Flash forward to today: I'm at Target, aiming to fix my household lack of Total Raisin Bran, when I look over and see Trix. But it's not the lame fruit shapes I see, THEY ARE BACK TO THE COLORED BALLS!!! I am in no way kidding when I say I stood there, put my hand over my dropped jaw and quietly said "Oh my God". It was really quite touching. There were no witnesses, which I'm kind of glad about, as I may have been overreacting, but I got lost in the moment.
Appendix A: Keith's favorite cereals by year.
1978-1982 - no cereal preference, just taking whatever Mom is giving me
1983-1987 - Rice Krispies
1988-1990 - Frosted Flakes
1991-1992 - Trix
1993-2004 - Froot Loops (Seriously, can this ever happen again? 12 years? Incredible. The sad thing is that I may have already had my life's greatest cereal love, and I let it slip away. I'm sure I didn't truly appreciate it while it was happening, and now my best cereal years are probably behind me.)
2005 - Wheaties
2006 - Total Raisin Bran
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