It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Blogging)

Not Blog, Website or The (Belated) End of an Error

2008-08-30T14:19:00.005-05:00

I should have forgotten you long ago...

Anyone still checking in here surely has noticed that my posts are very infrequent. I can't claim that apathy and sloth had nothing to do with this, but it's also due, in part, to what this blog captured - a time in my life that is, for all intent, over. Like my website and travel blog before it, the time has come to let this space become what it is - a time capsule.

Farewell, readers. I'm off to the greener pastures of Goodbye, Samurai. I hope you will join me.

My brother, the... actually, I'm not sure what he is.

2008-07-07T18:15:00.003-05:00

My little brother Todd came up from New York on Thursday to hang out for a few days. It was the usual movies and video games for a while, but after going out for a run on Friday, he returned to my apartment with tears in his eyes. It seems he was attacked by what he referred to as "an enormous, ill-tempered monster insect". My interpretation: your average mosquito. Now, the area swelled a bit, but he was fine - I told him to take some Benadryl and shut up.

My parents came up on Saturday for my slightly belated birthday celebration, but after seeing my brother's arm (and the tears welling up in his eyes once again), Mom demanded an emergency room visit. So, instead of presents and cake, we had two hours of sitting in Newton-Wellesley hospital. The end result of this needless excursion: a recommendation to shut up and take some Benadryl (this time from an actual MD).

Hooray for medicine!

Keith (Est. 1978)

2008-07-01T21:36:00.003-05:00

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling.

Those with little patience for self-indulgence should stop here, hopefully awaiting my next post.

I entered my twenties as an undergraduate student at SUNY Farmingdale and an employee of King Kullen grocery stores, in the Seafood department. The year was 1998, and I was a pissed off kid. See, I had not long ago ended my tenure at the Pennsylvania State Univeristy, not by my own volition, but by theirs, as my grades were far beneath adequate. I knew, at my point of termination, that the end was near, but I figured I had one more blissful semester to enjoy before I got the boot. Not so, though, so I formulated a plan that I thought was airtight - to save up $500, get my parents to buy me some weatherproof garments (which they did), and go live in the woods at Penn State, continuing to enjoy the company of my matriculating peers. Needless to say at this point - my maturity has consistently been a step behind that which my years would lead one to believe. Fortunately, this plan was thwarted by my obsessive (and remaining) collection of music and movies - I was never able to accumulate the funds necessary to embark on this ill-fated journey. It should be noted, as I've now mentioned my obsesssion with music (one which has remained from my youth until this very day) that my attention broadened, happily, in 1998. I no longer focused solely on punk and metal, but turned, as well, to what Mr. Mike (and Mr. Mike would earn great mention in this post, had our relationship not formed in our teens) called 'old guy music' - and thank god (or whomever you like) for this, as a record collection without the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Cream, etc. would be sorely lacking, in my opinion.

It was also in 1998 that I became friends with Enston - we had known each other in High School, but were never close until we started hanging out. Since then, I've proudly served as co-Best Man at his wedding, and look forward to the birth of his first child, expected just days from now.

Eventually, I decided that getting a Bachelor's degree wouldn't be a bad idea, so I took the first step, graduating in 1999 with a 3.9 GPA at SUNY Farmingdale with my Associate's degree. It came time to pick a school to continue my education, so off I went to SUNY Albany, mostly because they had a Taco Bell in the commons (and my Dad was fairly pissed to find out that this was my criteria for choosing a school).

Albany was a blast, and I'm so glad a picked it, as I had the good fortune to make friends with Dave, Frank and Kenny, among others. If you'll indulge my sappiness for a moment, I'd like to say that those three have enriched my life in ways they'll never know (mostly cuz I'd never tell them). I again savored the college experience there, taking 2.5 years to do what should have been accomplished in only two, but nevermind.

I've many times been asked to compare my two main college experiences: PSU and Albany. It remains difficult for me, as they were both so formative, so important to who I've become, but they were, certainly, different. Penn State was about learning to learn from others, as I truly feel like I knew nothing before I went there (I went to a faily strict Catholic school). Albany was more about learning to become one of the guys - I was always (and still am) kind of a weird one, but Albany taught me how guys interact, and my life has been all the better for it. Also, PSU was more hanging out in people's dorms, apartments, or the woods. When I went to Albany, I was already 21, as were my peers, so it was more about hanging out in bars. I won't say one was better than the other, as they were both extraordinary experiences, but Albany was certainly what I would call a more 'realistic' life.

Coming home from college was, for me, really devastating. I graduated in December 2001, and had no idea what to do with my life. I had always thought that college was some lead-in to an easy life where everything was laid out nicely - coming to the realization that this wasn't the case was really hard for me. I was able to continue the job I had in the last semester of college (Pharmacy technician at CVS), and that lasted another 9 months before I found a 'real' job. That job, unfortunately, wasn't nearly what I was looking for... I spent about three years just showing up for work, hoping something better was coming along, and hanging out with Frank and Dave every weekend (though this was a lot of fun).

In July of 2005, I quit my job, and embarked on one of the greatest experiences of my life - I took what money I had saved and traveled the country by car for about three months. I went from New York to San Diego, stopping everywhere in between, including Atlanta (to see Mike) and Denver (to see Kenny). I guess I figured I would find that one place where I truly felt like I belong, but it wasn't to be. I came back to New York and stayed in my parents basement until I found an apartment in Long Beach with Dave.

It was at this time that I started hanging out with Sarah, an old friend from Penn State. I eventually moved in with her in Massachusetts, got engaged, then disengaged and moved into the place I find myself in now.

As I turn thirty, I find myself only marginally wiser... I'm in school, pursuing my MBA; I'm in a job that I enjoy (finally!), and I'm looking forward to seeing where this all takes me. I think I'm in a fairly peaceful place, but I continue to believe that my life still has many unwritten chapters.

The one thing that strikes me is this: when I moved from my teens into my twenties, I looked forward to new people and new experiences. As I move from my twenties into my thirties, I hope that the same people continue to see me through my future. I have many people to thank for who I am - my family, Todd, Mike, Enston, Kenny, Frank, Dave, Atom and Hnat. Thank you guys, for everything that you have given me, and know that I am forever in your debt.

Love,
Keith

It's my birthday, and I'm getting drunk.

2008-07-01T20:42:00.002-05:00

When it's time to party we will party hard!

Well, hello.

Often, when a man enters his fourth decade, he pauses to reflect on his life. Perhaps I'll do that one day soon, but tonight, on the recommendation of Mr. Mike, I'm getting drunk.

My last few days have been downright blissful. See, I took the week off, not to go on some silly vacation, but simply to sit around and do nothing, something I just don't have time for when I'm working every day. Since leaving work last Friday, the bulk of my time has been spent sleeping. I'm like Sunny von Bulow without the allegedly murderous husband. My brief periods of consciousness have been filled with movies, video games, and the occasional sandwich. Naturally, my shower-frequency has plummeted. The best part of all of this is that I've only just now hit the 40% mark of my time off. However, the rest of the week should be slightly more active, as I have a softball game tomorrow, then Tooter arrives on Thursday, then the rents on Saturday.

At this point, it would be awkward to not address where I've been since my last post, more than a year and a half ago. Well, I moved to Massachusetts. There, now you're all up to speed.

Until I blog again, dear reader (and this should occur more frequently now, as I am unfettered)... godspeed.

Breaking News!

2007-01-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

Hello!

You may have noticed a slowdown in my blogging. Well, I have some news:

I am moving!

More specifically, I am moving to the Boston area!

Still more specifically, Sarah and I have put a deposit on an apartment in Watertown, MA!!!

So, what does this all mean - is the blog dying? Certainly not. However, I will need to devote more time in the near future to my move and my frantic job-search. So, I'll appreciate your patience (and your support, and your congratulations). I'll blog when I can, but I will need to focus on real life, at least for the time being...

Happy New Year! or Hey! Look what I did!

2007-01-03T01:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to...

So, I left my house on 12/22 and I basically got back last night (there were a few days back here in between, but they were full of guests and fun, so they're considered part of the entire vacation time). I'll try to fill everyone in on what went down, but I bet the beginning will be difficult.

Friday 12/22 - I went to my parents house to kick off my end of the year festivities. It was Dad's birthday, so we did some presents for him, then some dinner, and then, since we were going away for Christmas, we exchanged our presents. My big gift was new tires for my car (whee!). Aside from that, there was a sweater, a book, and some boxers, and I'm sure a couple of things I'm forgetting (hey, it was a long time ago). I'm guessing we really didn't do anything else that night, but I really can't remember. We'll assume I went to bed at some point.

Saturday 12/23 - I woke up and was told I could take my time getting to the Christmas destination (Lenox, MA). Then I received a text from cousin Megan saying "Get here now!", or something to that effect. I was all "Umm, taking my time, what's the deal?" to which she replied "Umm, dinner at 5:30, be there!". I checked my watch, let out a 'eek!', grabbed my things, took the dog to be boarded, and went to pick up two cousins and Grandma. We did the drive up, and arrived at the Birchwood Inn at 5:25. We immediately headed to dinner at some place with really good bread. I had a quesadilla. We all went back to the inn, played some Trivial Pursuit, and went to bed. I shared room number three with cousins Ryan and Jonathan. I should tell you at this point that the inn had some literature in the room about its history, and one thing it mentioned was that rooms number three and ten were thought to be haunted.

Sunday 12/24 - We woke up and Ryan told us about how he heard a ghost during the night! How adorable is that? I should mention that he's nineteen. Apparently he saw and heard the closet door opening and closing rapidly at around 5am. He said he thought of waking me, but he thought I would just make fun of him. That may be true, but also, he should know that I have no idea how to fight a ghost. We went to breakfast, which was delightful, and then Dad, Todd, Ryan and I went to nearby Jiminy Peak for some skiing. When we arrived it was rainy and the slopes didn't look too good, but we decided to give it a shot and actually had a really great time. We went back to the inn to get ready and then went to some restaurant. I had artichoke pasta - it was ok. At some point in my car with Todd, Ryan, Jonathan, and Emily, we heard "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" by Tiny Tim, which quickly became the theme song for the rest of the trip. Back at the inn after dinner, the cousins did Secret Santa (I got a t-shirt and a pony from Brian!), and then I think we played Scattergories for a while. The game ended in a tie between Colleen and I, so we had a little showdown, which she won. I'm guessing we went to bed after that.

Monday 12/25 - Christmas! We all had breakfast together, and then got ready for church. Thankfully, someone put Grandma in charge of finding out when church was, and I guess she made some mistakes, so we weren't able to go. I'm not sure anyone even pretended they were sad about that. Christmas without church is like a day where no one punches me in the face, and by that I mean it's simply wonderful. Then Todd, Jonathan and I went outside to play some football, which basically meant Todd spent a lot of time on the ground. After that I'm thinking we exchanged gifts and then got ready for dinner. We went to the Red Lion Inn (or something) and had an awesome Xmas feast. I had squash ravioli followed by white chocolate cheesecake. We went back to the inn, played Pit (which I totally won), and everyone went to bed, or so I thought. I went upstairs to find Megan and Jonathan chatting in the hallway, so I joined them. Then Emily came over. Then we went and sat in our room, and Ryan came over as well. Then Aunt Erin came over. Then Uncle EJ came over. I think we were in there talking until around 3am. That was fun.

Tuesday 12/26 - We woke up, had breakfast, packed up, said our goodbyes, and made our way out. I headed to Stow, MA to see Sarah. I arrived around 2pm, and I don't think we did much of anything until around 7, when we had pizza with her grandma. Afterwards, we went to see Black Christmas, which was pretty darn terrible.

Wednesday 12/27 - We were supposed to go skiing, but the conditions didn't allow, so we pretty much spent the day lying around. We watched Wedding Crashers, and around 8pm we finally got the motivation to get some dinner at Friday's. We came home, watched Just Friends, and went to bed. It sounds like our time in Stow was boring, but it was actually super relaxing and fun.

Thursday 12/28 - We left Stow, headed to Moe's in Shrewsbury for lunch, and made our way to my place in Long Beach, NY (sidenote: I was telling Sarah today how one of my favorite parts of the whole vacation was driving to NY and back to Massachusetts with her. I'm not really sure why, but it was really nice.). We arrived around five pm, fully expecting to see Mike and Shelley in the near future, but some communication breakdowns and a pretty good distance led to them arriving at my place around ten pm. In the interim, Sarah and I exchanged our Christmas gifts. I got a Moe's gift card and an awesome Celtics sweatshirt (and they quickly became my second favorite NBA team, replacing the NJ Nets). Mike, Shelley, Enston and Heather arrived, we ate dinner, exchanged gifts (I got a shirt, some cds, and some dvds) and then played Apples to Apples until 2 am, at which point Enston and Heather went home. Sarah, Mike, Shelley and I played cards until 6am, and then went to bed.

Friday 12/29 - We all slowly woke up, and Mike, Shelley and I went to West End Pizza for lunch. After that I left Mike and Shelley to watch Psycho as I went to pick up supplies for the evening's pre-new years party. Around 7pm, our guests started arriving. Frank, Rachel, Enston, Heather, Atom, Stacey, and a few of Dave's work friends came over. We all had a wonderful night of drinking and hanging out, and I think I finally got to sleep around 7am.

Saturday 12/30 - I took Mike and Shelley to the airport around 9am, said goodbye, and quickly came back here for another lie-in-bed day with Sarah. I did laundry at some point, we did some post-party cleaning, watched Chasing Amy, and at around 8pm we went to Chipotle in Hicksville. I think that was the whole day, but it was excellent. And I think it was today that Sarah told me she booked us a New Years hotel so we wouldn't have to drive back to her parents house after the party. Awesome.

Sunday 12/31 - Sarah made some cinnamon rolls, which was very nice to wake up to, and we got ready to head back to Massachusetts for Becca's New Years Eve party. We drove up in the afternoon, and made our first stop in Worcester at Dick's Sporting Goods (the sweatshirt she bought me was a large, which is fine, but I prefer XL for sweatshirts). They didn't have my size, so we went to Dick's #2 in Framingham. They didn't have it either. Then we got dinner at Friday's, checked into the hotel, and got ready for the party. We took a cab to Becca's, and arrived to find her, Mardi, Joe, Melissa, Carly and Kevin having some drinks in the TV room. We quickly joined them, and then moved to the living room to open some naughty gifts and goody bags. After playing with some of our new toys, we watched the ball drop, and did some New Year kissing and champagne toasting. Not long after, Sarah, Becca and I went to 'find the beat' somewhere in the neighborhood, and, after failing to find it, came back to see a naked party through a window. More beer was consumed, phone calls and merry were made, and then Joe and Melissa graciously offered us a ride back to the hotel, where we, umm, went to bed.

Monday 1/1 - We woke up around noon. I watched Bobby Knight become the winningest coach in college basketball while Sarah showered and got ready, and we left the hotel around 2pm. We went to the last Dick's in the area, and they finally had my size! Then we went to the Outback for dinner. I got made fun of for ordering a Bloomin onion and cheese fries as dinner, and I deserved it, because seriously, that was out of control. I think my body agreed, because I was forced to poop at the restaurant, which, as most of you know, I absolutely hate to do. It actually went pretty well though. We went back to Sarah's house, and, while I was having my about-to-leave pee, I dropped my phone in her toilet. I fished it out and cleaned it off, and now it seems to be working well enough, but come on, the thing has been in a toilet, we all know it has got to go (new phone comes Friday!). After that unfortunate event, I said goodbye and sadly made my way back to NY...

Warm Holiday Wishes

2006-12-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

I dedicate this post to all you brothers taking long trips down South... Virginia, Baltimore, all around the world, and your girl gets this message that you ain't coming back... she's sittin' back in her room, the lights is off, she's crying, and then my voice comes in... POW!, in the middle of the night, and this is what I told her for you:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I'll be gone most of the week, so here's to all my family and friends having a wonderful holiday. Remember, the spirit of Christmas isn't about just buying gifts, but, specifically, buying gifts for me! And don't forget gift receipts - I'm sure I don't want the crap you picked out... (OMG! Just kidding! You got me a sweater with a puppy on it? I LOVE IT!)

And to my friends who don't celebrate Christmas... Jesus hates you!

Safety In Number Two

2006-12-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

A while back, in Weekend Wrapup #3, I told a story about a certain incident at Sarah's house. This has become a topic of great interest among some of my readers, and I have been asked to go into greater detail regarding my pooping-policy.

But really, it's not so much policy as it is simply what my body tells me to do. See, I have this thing where I never have to poop until I reach what I call a "safe toilet". For example, I could be at work all the live-long day, not having to poop, but once I open the door to my house, I basically need to run to the bathroom. See, in this example, critical mass was probably achieved well before I got home, but my body won't allow it to come out until I feel safe. Of course, it's all mental, but it's completely involuntary.

However, I have been able to pinpoint the qualities that can make a certain toilet 'safe', and I'd be glad to share them:

1. Cleanliness. A toilet must be impeccably clean. This is why my home toilet will always qualify as safe - because I can be in complete control of its cleanliness. And it's a very good thing that my home toilet is always safe, because I would be quite backed up otherwise.

2. Quiet. A toilet is like a fortress of solitude. Safe toilets are always in low-traffic, low-interruption areas. Also, even the home toilet is temporarily unsafe if there is some sort of gathering of people. Basically, no one should be allowed to know you are pooping - it should be handled as a completely clandestine operation. It needs to be handled with such decorum that, five minutes later, you can pretend it never happened.

3. Infrequent Usage. This basically disqualifies any public restroom, and rightly so (unless you can find a secret bathroom, like one I found at college - then you've got a very special relationship). Who wants to share ass-space with the general public? Have you seen the general public? They're gross. A safe toilet must be shared with as few people as possible. This sounds a little selfish, but remember, I didn't consciously create these rules, I just noticed how my body works and figured them out.

4. Strength. A safe toilet must be able to destroy all evidence - it must be able to handle anything you can throw at it. Now, since it's so hard for me to find an appropriate toilet, I can often go several days without pooping. This means that when I do poop, it can be a real toilet python. Or sometimes even a big brown baby. That said, the strength to handle my assault is the most elusive of all the safe toilet qualities.

5. Comfort. Basically all the previous qualities lead to a general feeling of comfort. However, occasionally a toilet will meet the other requirements, but it just doesn't feel right, and the mission must be aborted. That's a comfort issue. This one is difficult to explain, as it is simply a gut feeling, but, believe me, it's important.

So there we are... I've let you all into a small slice of my psychosis. Fortunately, I rarely suffer due to these rules; as I said, my body doesn't even alert me to the fact that I have to poop until I've reached a safe toilet destination.

It should be noted that there have been exceptions... often if I'm either sick or if I have simply pushed my body too far. But that's very infrequent. For example, I don't remember pooping in my High School. At the job I've worked for almost four years, I've pooped maybe twice. Ironically, the times where I'm absolutely forced to poop somewhere I wouldn't normally poop are the very times when disaster is most likely to strike, as I have likely created such a mighty log that no toilet should be expected to swallow it.

So, here I'd like to open this up to discussion (ahem, Traci...). Your thoughts?

Weekend Wrapup, vol. 4

2006-12-11T23:13:00.000-05:00

This evening, Sarah asked me if I was planning on doing one of these weekend wrapup things. I hadn't even considered it, both because I forgot and because I had a particularly uneventful weekend. But, I'll give it a shot (and you can all tell me what fascinating reading this was).

Friday - I definitely went to work. I really can't remember what happened after that. I bet it involved watching basketball and going to bed.

Saturday - Seriously, I can't remember. That's fairly unusual for me. I know that by 7pm I was on the recliner watching basketball and drinking beer. That lasted until around 1am, and basketball turned into SNL at some point. Then, as I was getting ready for bed, Sarah called. I talked to her for a while as she waited for Mardi to finish making out with random dude and get in the car. Then I chatted with Becca for a few. Then Sarah called again, this time with Mardi and random dude in the car on the way to Becca's. At this point, I was developing a tummyache. After finishing all conversations, I went to bed. I did not sleep, however, due to the increase in tummyache. By 5am, tummyache reached critical mass, at which point I ran to the bathroom to throw up for a while. It was very unpleasant. Once pukefest was over, I went to bed for real.

Sunday - Then I stayed in bed. Then I stayed in bed some more. Then I got up to brush my teeth, but aborted that mission and crawled right back into bed. All told, between 5am Sunday and 8am Monday, when I got up to go to work, I spent less than an hour outside of my bed. Good times!

Nice to meet you, Katelyn...

2006-12-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

This is a baby.

She was made by Kenny and Joy.

They call her Katelyn.

So do I.

Occasional Keithsong-subjects Kenny and Joy had a baby! Eleven-and-a-half months later, they came to New York. On Wednesday I went up to the Poughkeepsie area to see them, and to finally meet this baby I had heard so much about. It was delightful.

So congratulations on making a beautiful kiddo, and for getting to be the first picture on my blog!

Silly Rabbit...

2006-12-06T01:56:00.000-05:00

They're back!!!

Allow me to set the scene: It's around 1991, Trix has just become my favorite cereal, replacing long-standing favorite Frosted Flakes. I'm madly in love with these little colored balls, when some genius decides to change them into fruit shapes. Trix holds on to the top spot for a while, but only due to my loving memory of the ball-shaped variety. Eventually, Trix is replaced by Froot Loops (who, by the way, had an absolutely historic run in the list of Keith's favorite cereals - see below).

Flash forward to today: I'm at Target, aiming to fix my household lack of Total Raisin Bran, when I look over and see Trix. But it's not the lame fruit shapes I see, THEY ARE BACK TO THE COLORED BALLS!!! I am in no way kidding when I say I stood there, put my hand over my dropped jaw and quietly said "Oh my God". It was really quite touching. There were no witnesses, which I'm kind of glad about, as I may have been overreacting, but I got lost in the moment.

Appendix A: Keith's favorite cereals by year.
1978-1982 - no cereal preference, just taking whatever Mom is giving me
1983-1987 - Rice Krispies
1988-1990 - Frosted Flakes
1991-1992 - Trix
1993-2004 - Froot Loops (Seriously, can this ever happen again? 12 years? Incredible. The sad thing is that I may have already had my life's greatest cereal love, and I let it slip away. I'm sure I didn't truly appreciate it while it was happening, and now my best cereal years are probably behind me.)
2005 - Wheaties
2006 - Total Raisin Bran

On the disappearance of quality guacamole

2006-11-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was a kid... guacamole was dripping from the walls and oozing from every pore. It was up my dog's nose and in my Mom's flower pots. You could take some tortilla chips outside, scrape them on the ground, and you'd have a delicious avocado-based treat.

That's no longer the case.

I'm not saying that what's now called guacamole isn't readily available - quite the contrary. The market is flooded with the new version of this more-than-a-condiment but not-quite-a-food-by-itself substance. But it is certainly not guacamole. Just today, my friend Frank sent me an article about a lawsuit (we'll call it Crazy lady with too much time on her hands and possibly some misplaced anger v. Kraft Foods) in which it was revealed that Kraft's 'guacamole' was less than 2% avocado-derived. And therein lies the problem... traditional guacamole is made from avocados and salt. Pretty simple, right? Go to any Mexican-inspired restaurant today and the guacamole you get will likely be filled with tomatoes, onions, and various other non-guacamole nonsense ingredients. Why add something to the mix when simplicity is perfection? Wouldn't it just be easier to leave it alone? It's certainly tastier that way. Perhaps avocados themselves are particularly expensive, and a cost-effective guacamole must be partially made with cheaper produce? I don't have the answer.

I do know one thing: we can't sit back as this wonderful treat (which currently exists only in my memory) is destroyed forever. We must band together and fight. I'm going to call this "The Guacamole-Reform-Through-Peaceful-Resistance-and-If-That-Doesn't-Work-Get-Violent Initiative". Come join us...

I will be away this weekend, so here's a song to keep you all occupied in my absence.

Recent life wrapup

2006-11-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

"Are you planning on blogging today?" - I hear this question often, and I'm honored to have such an anxious audience. Having just completed a six-day weekend, it would seem that I've had plenty of time to blog, but a lazy schedule leads to a lazy Keith, so here I finally am to tell you all what's been going on.

Super-weekend started Tuesday afternoon, when work-manager-guy told me it wouldn't be necessary to show up on Wednesday. I wasn't too surprised; I had figured on spending only a few hours there Wednesday, but I was quite glad to begin my vacation early.

I picked up brother Todd after work Tuesday and took him back to Long Beach for a couple days of fun. There was some basketball, both real life and PlayStation, a 'Beauty and the Geek' marathon, burritos at Moe's, and, of course, plenty of rest.

On Thanksgiving, the plan was to pick up Grandma on the way to Mom and Dad's place, but it didn't quite happen that way. We did attempt to pick up Grandma, but, upon arriving, we were informed she was headed for the hospital due to an accelerated heartbeat and labored breathing. So, Thanksgiving was less giving thanks and more waiting by the phone. Despite our worry, we all had a nice evening. Thanksgiving can be particularly vegetarian-unfriendly, so I had a very starchy meal, but I loved it anyway. Thanks Mom.

I think the only thing I accomplished on Friday was getting a haircut, and then Atom came over for the evening. We got some beer, and I ended up finishing Sarah's last-weekend wine and got completely surprise-drunk. Our evening consisted of some Thai delivery, supplemental rice-making, cigar smoking, and a Sarah/Atom text-message-relationship. Also, we watched a Barbara Walters special because we are gay.

Saturday was my big doing-things day... first, lunch with Atom and roomie in Plainview, followed directly by a surprise visit to my parents' house in Melville. Apparently Dad is turning the basement into an awesome hangout place, what with the pool table and new humongous TV. That's nice, but couldn't this have happened when I was 12? Afterwards, I did a little shopping, getting myself a couple of shirts for skiing and a couple of family Xmas gifts. I then met my parents and brother at the hospital to visit Grandma, who is now doing fine and is back home. After this I got a quick burrito at Moe's, and then went over to Enston's house for a couple of beers. I got to meet Heather's sisters' new baby, and I think we really bonded. In particular, we both enjoy staring and sitting upright. I came home (and parked 3/4 of a mile from my house... grrr) and got to do some instant-message peacekeeping, but everything settled down well enough and I finally went to bed.

On Sunday, I accidentally slept until 1pm. Aside from that, I think I got a burrito. That was my Sunday.

This brings us to today... it was a real get-a-few-things-done day, or, rather, an intend-to-get-a-few-things-done day. Aside from food shopping and some job-reading, it turned into a real sit-around day in which the highlight was an accidental nap on the couch. See, when I have a block of time off like this, I really think I'm going to get a lot done, but I tend to fall into this rhythm of not having to do a single thing. By the final day, I'm almost completely useless.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are ten things I'm thankful for:

1. A December that is just jam-packed with fun (look at my Myspace calendar - I'm a real social butterfly now).
2. The willingness of my Mom to make meatless stuffing for me in addition to her household-renowned sausage stuffing.
3. Still having a Grandma.
4. Peeps (not the marshmallow treats, but rather the flesh and blood treats who listen to me whine and tolerate me when I drink too much).
5. Beer.
6. My two blankets and their ability to coexist, and even complement each other, rather than struggle for dominance.
7. The fact that I have very little to complain about, even when my entire life is a giant question mark.
8. The early part of the NBA season, during which neat little story lines spring up, like: The Utah Jazz are good now, what's the deal?
9. Sarah surprise-visiting last weekend.
10. My darling acoustic guitar, who keeps threatening to break for good, but always allows me to successfully repair it one more time...

And in the spirit of curmudgeony-ness (yes, please suggest a better word), here are four things I am definitely NOT thankful for (life rule: always maintain a 2.5:1 ratio of things you're thankful for to things you're not thankful for):

1. Columbia House, who simply cannot get their shit straight and accept things on my terms.
2. The approaching cold weather.
3. Work-night insomnia.
4. Getting really excited to have some Total Raisin Bran only to go to the kitchen and find that I don't currently own any.

Finding my voice (with my voice... and my guitar)

2006-11-20T23:58:00.000-05:00

What kind of a blog is this, you ask? Well, friend, I'm not really sure... am I singing dumb songs for you, blathering on endlessly about myself, or telling you which nachos to avoid? Why don't you stay tuned and find out? Tonight, more songs...

After posting Thursday's song, I got a comment from one Grumpy Frump mentioning her hope that one day she get her own song. Well, I aim to please, so, several beers into my Friday evening, I picked up my guitar and got to work:

Don't Call Me Ma'am

Later that night, Kate and I got to talking and it was decided that her and Red's blog should also get their theme songs. So, I got to work:

Postcards From Kate

The Cupcake Tent

UPDATE: After experiencing remorse and regret for neglecting Sarah's blog, I got back to work:

Friggin' Sweet

The only sad thing is, having named my blog after a song, I can't rightly write one of my own...

Just trying to rock your pants off

2006-11-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I write the occasional song. Sometimes I even write by request. If you ask me to write about feelings, relationships, joy or pain, you're going to be disappointed. But ask me to write about hating pants? I can DO that!

At Becca's this weekend, she told us a quick story, the punchline being "No pantalones!". It was then mentioned that this would make a great song title. But song titles need music and other words to surround them, and that's where I come in...

This is the result:

No Pantalones

Presently: fighting for your honor

2006-11-10T13:44:00.000-05:00

I will be away for the weekend, so I leave you with this song. Listen to it, snuggle with it, tell it you love it, hold it close and never let it go...

Dedicated to you, my dear readers...

Showdown: Qdoba vs. Moe's or Nachofight 2006!

2006-11-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

In any market, there are major and minor players, movers, shakers, winners and losers... today I turn my attention toward those hawking the culinary wares of the Southwest, where Tex and Mex meet, making their sweet symphony of succulent sustenance.

Always encouraged to write what I know, my analysis will focus solely on the nacho, and only on those available in the Northeast.

Chipotle - you're great, you've got the burrito down pat, but you don't really do nachos (and by the way, 16 locations in New York City and none elsewhere in NY? - please expand, we like you and we need you).

Baja Fresh - you also do the burrito well, and when ordered 'enchilada style' - muy bien! But nachos, not your forte either.

That said, there are two in these parts who offer the traditional nacho platter (tortilla chips covered in beans, cheese, jalapenos, salsa, and a choice of meat if you so choose) - Moe's Southwest Grill and Qdoba Mexican Grill. Having sampled both recently (yesterday and today), I present my side by side comparison:

Qdoba - your decor is inviting, your menu non-intimidating; I had high hopes. But your chips are too thick, your cheese sauce full of chunks I couldn't possibly find appetizing, and you don't have a flagship salsa. Instead, you require that I choose between your five unusual salsas. Should I order the nachos five times to figure out which works for me? Did you think your clientele might get on board with this, dividing themselves by salsa-allegiance, perhaps sporting t-shirts declaring "I'm a salsa roja!" and "I'm a salsa verde!"? Your gimmicks disgust me.

Moe's - upon entering, your employee's yell "Welcome to Moe's!", which, while goofy, is so warm and inviting. Your chips are thin, which forces me to focus on your wonderful white cheese sauce, your robust pinto beans, and your delightfully Americanized jalapenos, guaranteed never to offend the sensitive palate of a gringo. I am crazy about you!

Final thoughts:

Moe's - keep carrying that mantle, you will soon achieve victory through domination.

Qdoba - pack your bags; leave no black bean as a token of that lie thy cuisine hath spoken! Leave my nacholessness unbroken, quit the location beside my mall!

I had a nice time, Natalie Portman, but I think we should just be friends

2006-11-07T23:38:00.000-05:00

While looking for an old e-mail, I ran across one of my favorite stories of Summer '05. Since it had only been told to a few friends, I figured I'd use this platform to share it with a (slightly) wider audience.

This is the actual e-mail I sent my friend... no edits (aside from some name-removal). Add your own capitalization, apostrophes, verb-tense agreement, unsalty language, whistles, bells, coherence, etc.

Date: Tue, 16 Aug 2005 00:37:05
To: Friend
From: Keith
Subject: neato story

so im sitting at home last night and dv im's me, asking if i wanna see the movie 'the aristocrats' (which was very funny). i told him no because i didnt have any money, but he was saying he needed to get out of his house and hed pay for me. so i went with him to huntingtons cinema arts center.

we got to the theater pretty early, so were just looking around at the people coming in. im sitting against the wall at the end of an aisle, and dv is next to me, closer to the middle. one guy we see come in has a sweater tied around his neck, aboot 50 years old, real douchy looking. him and the young girl hes with (seemed to be his daughter) attempt to take a seat a few rows back from us, so me and dv start making fun of his sweater-tie. they mustve not been satisfied with the seats, so they settle on our aisle, with the girl sitting next to dv. he takes no notice, but i stare at the girl for aboot five minuets (with dv sitting between us i had a decent vantage point for non-obvious staring). he finally sees me staring, looks at her, turns back to me and says "is that natalie portman?", to which i say "yep". she had her head shaved for a role recently, so her hair was pretty short, and she was tiny. anyway, we watched the movie, and i (of course) pretended i was on a date with her.

you know how i like to stay to the end of the credits, right? well she left right away, so me and dv sat there for a good three to five minutes watching credits, figuring wed never see her again.

we go out to dvs car to leave; the car next to us on the passenger side, a black acura, is on and ready to go. as im putting on my seatbelt, they begin pulling out and are just aboot to hit dvs car and i go "whoa!". i look up to see who the driver is... yeah, natalie portman.

she slowly and spastically finishes pulling out of the spot as we laugh at the bizarre events, thinking thats the last we see of natalie portman. some other cars go by towards the exit as dv pulls out and we leave.

fate interjects: natalie turns left, every car between us and natalie turns right, and we turn left and take our position behind her. we end up following (not on purpose, it was really the way we were going) her for aboot a mile. at this point she puts on the most hilarious display of timid and awful driving (a lot of uphill braking). dv wanted to pass her, so i had to yell at him. i didnt want him to scare her - shes too little and cute and obviously not too comfortable driving.

it ended as we came to a stoplight, the only two cars there, her going straight and us waiting to turn left. so at that red light i got my last moment of sitting next to natalie on our date. i think it went well.

Q: Where are my socks? A: Beck rocked them right off.

2006-11-06T01:14:00.000-05:00

Having been away last weekend, I was glad to find roomie had recorded Saturday Night Live on the DVR. While rarely impressed with the show these days, I still like to catch it, if only to honor the place it held in my adolescence.

Beck performed this as his second song of the night, and I've been compelled to share it since:

The whole Thanksgiving-dinner-as-percussion thing - wildly creative. And as if that wasn't enough, the entire routine is mimicked with marionettes. Seriously, Beck? You're crazy.

To all future performers on shows where you get to do one or two songs: Come up with something bizarre and commit to it completely. I will be impressed.

(UPDATE: I guess this video got removed, and I can't find it elsewhere, but, trust me, it was neat.)

Hi! or 100 Things You Never Wanted To Know or The First Post, In Which Keith Introduces Himself Sheepishly And Is Met With Indifference

2006-11-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

"Hello, it's me. I've thought about us for a long, long time." - Todd Rundgren

Look, I realize I'm late to the game, but the point is I'm here now. I've answered the call, decided to put pen to paper (this pen makes tapping noises and the paper is very bright), and this is where I start yelling...

Quacks go to the Mama Duck for leading the blind...

Without further ado, here's everything you never needed to know:

1. My blog name is a reference to Bob Dylan's "It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)".

2. I went to an all-boys Catholic High School. I'm ok with that now.

3. In Kindergarten, I went into the bathroom, removed all of my clothing, and ran around the classroom. I had to see the school psychologist.

4. I'm slightly claustrophobic.

5. I was asked to leave the Boy Scouts of America.

6. I was asked to leave the Pennsylvania State University.

7. I make stupid jokes and puns to make myself laugh. I really don't care if anyone else does.

8. I am currently attempting to walk away from a serious caffeine addiction.

9. At 23, I fell off a skateboard ramp and seriously injured my back. When I told my doctor the nature of my accident, she berated me for not acting my age. Rather than persuade me, her words only convinced me that I was much, much cooler than her.

10. I can't think of a single person that I actually hate.

11. When I was 6, my two young cousins and I were chased through the woods by some drunken teenagers after we stumbled upon their party. I still remember it vividly and cannot think of a scarier experience since.

12. I was in the 'Glee Club' in High School. We sang.

13. I still swear we had a pool table in our basement when I was younger, though my Mom and Dad both deny it.

14. Every night, I write a note of the things I need to do the next day. I carry it with me and cross things off as they're accomplished. I don't like anyone to see this note because it makes me feel crazy...

15. That's probably because I write things on the note like 'go to work'.

16. Sometimes people think I'm shy, but really I'm just listening more than I'm talking.

17. If you notice me listening to The Smiths for an extended period of time, you can assume I am very, very sad about something.

18. Every restaurant I go to, every band I hear, every movie I see gets two chances to impress me.

19. I am highly resistant to change.

20. When I was 8, I was thrown from a horse during a riding competition. I did NOT get right back on.

21. I have experienced constant neck and back pain since I was 20 for which I have tried chiropractors, physical therapy and various prescriptions. Long ago I gave up and just learned to live with it.

22. If you are around me for more than an hour or two, you will see me stretch my neck and shoulders in various ways to attempt to alleviate this pain.

23. When I am drunk, ask me if I think I could fight a (insert large dangerous animal here... bear, shark, cougar, attack dog). I promise I'll say "yes" and completely believe it.

24. I experience a massive case of alcohol-induced bravado.

25. People who wear sunglasses indoors make me angry. When you walk through a door, you have maybe 5 seconds to get your shit together and remove the shades.

26. If you throw something toward me, I guarantee I can catch it.

27. I will often hold objects in my teeth, like a dog, even if I have a free hand. It just feels natural.

28. I have devoted long periods of my life to vegetarianism, but I'm not sure I'll ever be prepared to make a lifelong commitment.

29. I recently found that I have a curious psychological similarity with NBA combo-guard Gilbert Arenas. Now I like him a lot.

30. If I could pick a year of my life to live over again, it would be 1997. Good times.

31. I wear my single-use contacts for at least five days straight.

32. Often I don't want to be anywhere near my cell phone.

33. I get by with a little help from my friends.

34. Every year I get a little more concerned that Paul McCartney will die soon. I'm not kidding when I say I will be completely shattered for a few days.

35. Ditto Bob Dylan.

36. I will only watch the show Intervention by myself. If roomie goes to the kitchen to get something or otherwise comes nearby, I will pause it until he goes away.

37. I love coffee.

38. I hate iced coffee.

39. I have never been professionally diagnosed, but almost everyone who has ever known me well has told me I have some form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

40. I have over 1500 CDs and 200 records.

41. When I'm cold, I shake like a Chihuahua, but rarely put more clothes on.

42. If you ask me a direct question, no matter how personal, I will be almost compulsively unable to lie.

43. I think I could teach a class on quality driving, however...

44. Parking a car is something I simply cannot do well.

45. In college, I created an entire dance routine to Jordan Knight's "Give It To You". People would knock on my door and ask me to do it. I would always oblige.

46. I love to dance, but absolutely despise any dances that tell me what to do or have any form of direction. I come to get down, but I need to do it freestyle.

47. I have over 35 pairs of shoes and 15 jackets.

48. Pre-party routine that I can't live without: playing obscenely loud music and dancing around my room.

49. The only sport I love is basketball, both to play and to watch. I'm slightly obsessive about it.

50. Favorite team: LA Lakers (Second: NJ Nets).

51. Favorite player: Kobe Bryant.

52. If the only foods that existed were pineapples, bananas, and nachos, I would be just fine.

53. More than once I have bought shoes that were too small for me simply because I thought they looked cool.

54. I rarely use capital letters or apostrophes; I'm trying to fix that.

55. I love parentheses (Parentheses are my favorite!).

56. Ever since my friend Mike and I saw the South Park movie, when we communicate with each other, the word 'about' is replaced with 'aboot'.

57. I find text-message shorthand very annoying. I prefer to type out the entire words.

58. I have a fairly scholarly knowledge of the films of Alfred Hitchcock...

59. ...and to a lesser degree those of Robert Altman, Akira Kurosawa, Woody Allen, Billy Wilder, and Stanley Kubrick.

60. At 15, I came home from school one day and my Mom told me my dog ran away. She hadn't bothered to go out looking for the dog, instead waiting for me to get home to do it. I never saw my dog again.

61. I was an only child until I was 13. I find this has given me a fairly unique both-sides perspective.

62. I've been to the movies by myself twice: I saw Sideways because everyone I knew had already seen it and I saw The Corpse Bride because I was in Vegas alone, waiting to check into my hotel (and that's what you do in Vegas when you have some extra time, you go to the movies).

63. I am an eternal, universal, unrepentant optimist.

64. My friends are occasionally frightened by the depth of my memory.

65. I was almost expelled from high school for creating and distributing flyers for a party at another kids house without his knowledge.

66. When my brother and I are together, we're rarely not laughing.

67. If you try to make my Dad laugh, he will get angry.

68. I'm much more sensitive than I let on.

69. I can't stand Led Zeppelin.

70. I have always had a knack for antagonizing people. I'm not sure how to use that for good.

71. I had a pyromania phase in my pre-teen years. I'm sure it was dangerous, but I just remember it as fun.

72. My bout with the flu a couple of years ago was really a nice vacation from work.

73. NewsRadio was the most underappreciated sitcom ever.

74. I will eat Skittles until I get sick.

75. I didn't stop using Sesame Street toothpaste until after college.

76. After all these years, I'm still amazed every time I put on a Beatles album.

77. I was once forced to move out of a dorm room because my roommate accused me of stealing his camera. He eventually found it, but never apologized.

78. When my roommate Frank's doorknob broke, I made him a new fully functional one out of a coat hanger and some duct tape. It lasted the rest of the year.

79. I play favorites with all my things: I can show you my top three sweatshirts, pants, shorts, shoes, pens, etc. I can even show you historical favorites which fell out of favor.

80. My childhood best friend and I had more fistfights than I could possibly count.

81. Career goal from age 6 to 12: slick corporate lawyer. The last thing I could see myself doing now: you guessed it...

82. Vodka & Tonic is my drink of choice whenever I find myself at an open-bar event.

83. I very rarely use a calculator - I enjoy doing math in my head.

84. Seinfeld was the most brilliantly written and hilarious television show of all time.

85. I could watch the movie Heathers every day for the rest of my life.

86. Ditto The Godfather.

87. At 14, I taught myself to play guitar. It remains my favorite thing to do and the thing I'm best at.

88. I dyed my hair black for High School graduation, clown orange when I got to Penn State, brown the first time I came home, bleach blonde when I returned to school, purple when I moved back home, and black when I went to Albany.

89. The Sweet Hereafter is the most emotionally devastating movie I've ever seen.

90. I grew a full beard a few years ago just to see if I could.

91. I had a blast at my five-year high school reunion, but skipped my ten-year.

92. First concert: Rancid/Rocket From The Crypt/Blanks 77 at Roseland Ballroom, NYC, March 96

93. Desert island reading: The History of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell, Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, and The Complete Poetry and Prose of William Blake.

94. From age 16 to 25 I had no more than 3 professional haircuts. The rest were done by friends or myself.

95. I say the only TV shows I watch are Mythbusters and Intervention, but really I would never miss an episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

96. When I was 9 I had this argument with my Aunt: I said that where a person is born is a random event, and therefore they should not be obligated to prefer their hometown sports teams. She argued that where a person lives is supposed to be a source of pride, and therefore one must like their local teams. I still think I was right.

97. I regret becoming fluent in French and then forgetting a good deal of it.

98. I like to write songs about my friends, robots, food, girls I've never talked to, poop, dogs, video games, and laziness.

99. My stock answer for whenever an out-of-stater asks me why I don't have a New York accent is "I was educated."

100. My weird TV-prejudice: If a show is an hour long and scripted, I'm really not interested.