Hi! or 100 Things You Never Wanted To Know or The First Post, In Which Keith Introduces Himself Sheepishly And Is Met With Indifference

"Hello, it's me. I've thought about us for a long, long time." - Todd Rundgren


Look, I realize I'm late to the game, but the point is I'm here now. I've answered the call, decided to put pen to paper (this pen makes tapping noises and the paper is very bright), and this is where I start yelling...

Quacks go to the Mama Duck for leading the blind...

Without further ado, here's everything you never needed to know:


1. My blog name is a reference to Bob Dylan's "It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)".

2. I went to an all-boys Catholic High School. I'm ok with that now.

3. In Kindergarten, I went into the bathroom, removed all of my clothing, and ran around the classroom. I had to see the school psychologist.

4. I'm slightly claustrophobic.

5. I was asked to leave the Boy Scouts of America.

6. I was asked to leave the Pennsylvania State University.

7. I make stupid jokes and puns to make myself laugh. I really don't care if anyone else does.

8. I am currently attempting to walk away from a serious caffeine addiction.

9. At 23, I fell off a skateboard ramp and seriously injured my back. When I told my doctor the nature of my accident, she berated me for not acting my age. Rather than persuade me, her words only convinced me that I was much, much cooler than her.

10. I can't think of a single person that I actually hate.

11. When I was 6, my two young cousins and I were chased through the woods by some drunken teenagers after we stumbled upon their party. I still remember it vividly and cannot think of a scarier experience since.

12. I was in the 'Glee Club' in High School. We sang.

13. I still swear we had a pool table in our basement when I was younger, though my Mom and Dad both deny it.

14. Every night, I write a note of the things I need to do the next day. I carry it with me and cross things off as they're accomplished. I don't like anyone to see this note because it makes me feel crazy...

15. That's probably because I write things on the note like 'go to work'.

16. Sometimes people think I'm shy, but really I'm just listening more than I'm talking.

17. If you notice me listening to The Smiths for an extended period of time, you can assume I am very, very sad about something.

18. Every restaurant I go to, every band I hear, every movie I see gets two chances to impress me.

19. I am highly resistant to change.

20. When I was 8, I was thrown from a horse during a riding competition. I did NOT get right back on.

21. I have experienced constant neck and back pain since I was 20 for which I have tried chiropractors, physical therapy and various prescriptions. Long ago I gave up and just learned to live with it.

22. If you are around me for more than an hour or two, you will see me stretch my neck and shoulders in various ways to attempt to alleviate this pain.

23. When I am drunk, ask me if I think I could fight a (insert large dangerous animal here... bear, shark, cougar, attack dog). I promise I'll say "yes" and completely believe it.

24. I experience a massive case of alcohol-induced bravado.

25. People who wear sunglasses indoors make me angry. When you walk through a door, you have maybe 5 seconds to get your shit together and remove the shades.

26. If you throw something toward me, I guarantee I can catch it.

27. I will often hold objects in my teeth, like a dog, even if I have a free hand. It just feels natural.

28. I have devoted long periods of my life to vegetarianism, but I'm not sure I'll ever be prepared to make a lifelong commitment.

29. I recently found that I have a curious psychological similarity with NBA combo-guard Gilbert Arenas. Now I like him a lot.

30. If I could pick a year of my life to live over again, it would be 1997. Good times.

31. I wear my single-use contacts for at least five days straight.

32. Often I don't want to be anywhere near my cell phone.

33. I get by with a little help from my friends.

34. Every year I get a little more concerned that Paul McCartney will die soon. I'm not kidding when I say I will be completely shattered for a few days.

35. Ditto Bob Dylan.

36. I will only watch the show Intervention by myself. If roomie goes to the kitchen to get something or otherwise comes nearby, I will pause it until he goes away.

37. I love coffee.

38. I hate iced coffee.

39. I have never been professionally diagnosed, but almost everyone who has ever known me well has told me I have some form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

40. I have over 1500 CDs and 200 records.

41. When I'm cold, I shake like a Chihuahua, but rarely put more clothes on.

42. If you ask me a direct question, no matter how personal, I will be almost compulsively unable to lie.

43. I think I could teach a class on quality driving, however...

44. Parking a car is something I simply cannot do well.

45. In college, I created an entire dance routine to Jordan Knight's "Give It To You". People would knock on my door and ask me to do it. I would always oblige.

46. I love to dance, but absolutely despise any dances that tell me what to do or have any form of direction. I come to get down, but I need to do it freestyle.

47. I have over 35 pairs of shoes and 15 jackets.

48. Pre-party routine that I can't live without: playing obscenely loud music and dancing around my room.

49. The only sport I love is basketball, both to play and to watch. I'm slightly obsessive about it.

50. Favorite team: LA Lakers (Second: NJ Nets).

51. Favorite player: Kobe Bryant.

52. If the only foods that existed were pineapples, bananas, and nachos, I would be just fine.

53. More than once I have bought shoes that were too small for me simply because I thought they looked cool.

54. I rarely use capital letters or apostrophes; I'm trying to fix that.

55. I love parentheses (Parentheses are my favorite!).

56. Ever since my friend Mike and I saw the South Park movie, when we communicate with each other, the word 'about' is replaced with 'aboot'.

57. I find text-message shorthand very annoying. I prefer to type out the entire words.

58. I have a fairly scholarly knowledge of the films of Alfred Hitchcock...

59. ...and to a lesser degree those of Robert Altman, Akira Kurosawa, Woody Allen, Billy Wilder, and Stanley Kubrick.

60. At 15, I came home from school one day and my Mom told me my dog ran away. She hadn't bothered to go out looking for the dog, instead waiting for me to get home to do it. I never saw my dog again.

61. I was an only child until I was 13. I find this has given me a fairly unique both-sides perspective.

62. I've been to the movies by myself twice: I saw Sideways because everyone I knew had already seen it and I saw The Corpse Bride because I was in Vegas alone, waiting to check into my hotel (and that's what you do in Vegas when you have some extra time, you go to the movies).

63. I am an eternal, universal, unrepentant optimist.

64. My friends are occasionally frightened by the depth of my memory.

65. I was almost expelled from high school for creating and distributing flyers for a party at another kids house without his knowledge.

66. When my brother and I are together, we're rarely not laughing.

67. If you try to make my Dad laugh, he will get angry.

68. I'm much more sensitive than I let on.

69. I can't stand Led Zeppelin.

70. I have always had a knack for antagonizing people. I'm not sure how to use that for good.

71. I had a pyromania phase in my pre-teen years. I'm sure it was dangerous, but I just remember it as fun.

72. My bout with the flu a couple of years ago was really a nice vacation from work.

73. NewsRadio was the most underappreciated sitcom ever.

74. I will eat Skittles until I get sick.

75. I didn't stop using Sesame Street toothpaste until after college.

76. After all these years, I'm still amazed every time I put on a Beatles album.

77. I was once forced to move out of a dorm room because my roommate accused me of stealing his camera. He eventually found it, but never apologized.

78. When my roommate Frank's doorknob broke, I made him a new fully functional one out of a coat hanger and some duct tape. It lasted the rest of the year.

79. I play favorites with all my things: I can show you my top three sweatshirts, pants, shorts, shoes, pens, etc. I can even show you historical favorites which fell out of favor.

80. My childhood best friend and I had more fistfights than I could possibly count.

81. Career goal from age 6 to 12: slick corporate lawyer. The last thing I could see myself doing now: you guessed it...

82. Vodka & Tonic is my drink of choice whenever I find myself at an open-bar event.

83. I very rarely use a calculator - I enjoy doing math in my head.

84. Seinfeld was the most brilliantly written and hilarious television show of all time.

85. I could watch the movie Heathers every day for the rest of my life.

86. Ditto The Godfather.

87. At 14, I taught myself to play guitar. It remains my favorite thing to do and the thing I'm best at.

88. I dyed my hair black for High School graduation, clown orange when I got to Penn State, brown the first time I came home, bleach blonde when I returned to school, purple when I moved back home, and black when I went to Albany.

89. The Sweet Hereafter is the most emotionally devastating movie I've ever seen.

90. I grew a full beard a few years ago just to see if I could.

91. I had a blast at my five-year high school reunion, but skipped my ten-year.

92. First concert: Rancid/Rocket From The Crypt/Blanks 77 at Roseland Ballroom, NYC, March 96

93. Desert island reading: The History of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell, Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, and The Complete Poetry and Prose of William Blake.

94. From age 16 to 25 I had no more than 3 professional haircuts. The rest were done by friends or myself.

95. I say the only TV shows I watch are Mythbusters and Intervention, but really I would never miss an episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

96. When I was 9 I had this argument with my Aunt: I said that where a person is born is a random event, and therefore they should not be obligated to prefer their hometown sports teams. She argued that where a person lives is supposed to be a source of pride, and therefore one must like their local teams. I still think I was right.

97. I regret becoming fluent in French and then forgetting a good deal of it.

98. I like to write songs about my friends, robots, food, girls I've never talked to, poop, dogs, video games, and laziness.

99. My stock answer for whenever an out-of-stater asks me why I don't have a New York accent is "I was educated."

100. My weird TV-prejudice: If a show is an hour long and scripted, I'm really not interested.