Thursday, November 30, 2006

On the disappearance of quality guacamole

I remember when I was a kid... guacamole was dripping from the walls and oozing from every pore. It was up my dog's nose and in my Mom's flower pots. You could take some tortilla chips outside, scrape them on the ground, and you'd have a delicious avocado-based treat.

That's no longer the case.

I'm not saying that what's now called guacamole isn't readily available - quite the contrary. The market is flooded with the new version of this more-than-a-condiment but not-quite-a-food-by-itself substance. But it is certainly not guacamole. Just today, my friend Frank sent me an article about a lawsuit (we'll call it Crazy lady with too much time on her hands and possibly some misplaced anger v. Kraft Foods) in which it was revealed that Kraft's 'guacamole' was less than 2% avocado-derived. And therein lies the problem... traditional guacamole is made from avocados and salt. Pretty simple, right? Go to any Mexican-inspired restaurant today and the guacamole you get will likely be filled with tomatoes, onions, and various other non-guacamole nonsense ingredients. Why add something to the mix when simplicity is perfection? Wouldn't it just be easier to leave it alone? It's certainly tastier that way. Perhaps avocados themselves are particularly expensive, and a cost-effective guacamole must be partially made with cheaper produce? I don't have the answer.

I do know one thing: we can't sit back as this wonderful treat (which currently exists only in my memory) is destroyed forever. We must band together and fight. I'm going to call this "The Guacamole-Reform-Through-Peaceful-Resistance-and-If-That-Doesn't-Work-Get-Violent Initiative". Come join us...



I will be away this weekend, so here's a song to keep you all occupied in my absence.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Recent life wrapup

"Are you planning on blogging today?" - I hear this question often, and I'm honored to have such an anxious audience. Having just completed a six-day weekend, it would seem that I've had plenty of time to blog, but a lazy schedule leads to a lazy Keith, so here I finally am to tell you all what's been going on.

Super-weekend started Tuesday afternoon, when work-manager-guy told me it wouldn't be necessary to show up on Wednesday. I wasn't too surprised; I had figured on spending only a few hours there Wednesday, but I was quite glad to begin my vacation early.

I picked up brother Todd after work Tuesday and took him back to Long Beach for a couple days of fun. There was some basketball, both real life and PlayStation, a 'Beauty and the Geek' marathon, burritos at Moe's, and, of course, plenty of rest.

On Thanksgiving, the plan was to pick up Grandma on the way to Mom and Dad's place, but it didn't quite happen that way. We did attempt to pick up Grandma, but, upon arriving, we were informed she was headed for the hospital due to an accelerated heartbeat and labored breathing. So, Thanksgiving was less giving thanks and more waiting by the phone. Despite our worry, we all had a nice evening. Thanksgiving can be particularly vegetarian-unfriendly, so I had a very starchy meal, but I loved it anyway. Thanks Mom.

I think the only thing I accomplished on Friday was getting a haircut, and then Atom came over for the evening. We got some beer, and I ended up finishing Sarah's last-weekend wine and got completely surprise-drunk. Our evening consisted of some Thai delivery, supplemental rice-making, cigar smoking, and a Sarah/Atom text-message-relationship. Also, we watched a Barbara Walters special because we are gay.

Saturday was my big doing-things day... first, lunch with Atom and roomie in Plainview, followed directly by a surprise visit to my parents' house in Melville. Apparently Dad is turning the basement into an awesome hangout place, what with the pool table and new humongous TV. That's nice, but couldn't this have happened when I was 12? Afterwards, I did a little shopping, getting myself a couple of shirts for skiing and a couple of family Xmas gifts. I then met my parents and brother at the hospital to visit Grandma, who is now doing fine and is back home. After this I got a quick burrito at Moe's, and then went over to Enston's house for a couple of beers. I got to meet Heather's sisters' new baby, and I think we really bonded. In particular, we both enjoy staring and sitting upright. I came home (and parked 3/4 of a mile from my house... grrr) and got to do some instant-message peacekeeping, but everything settled down well enough and I finally went to bed.

On Sunday, I accidentally slept until 1pm. Aside from that, I think I got a burrito. That was my Sunday.

This brings us to today... it was a real get-a-few-things-done day, or, rather, an intend-to-get-a-few-things-done day. Aside from food shopping and some job-reading, it turned into a real sit-around day in which the highlight was an accidental nap on the couch. See, when I have a block of time off like this, I really think I'm going to get a lot done, but I tend to fall into this rhythm of not having to do a single thing. By the final day, I'm almost completely useless.


In the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are ten things I'm thankful for:

1. A December that is just jam-packed with fun (look at my Myspace calendar - I'm a real social butterfly now).
2. The willingness of my Mom to make meatless stuffing for me in addition to her household-renowned sausage stuffing.
3. Still having a Grandma.
4. Peeps (not the marshmallow treats, but rather the flesh and blood treats who listen to me whine and tolerate me when I drink too much).
5. Beer.
6. My two blankets and their ability to coexist, and even complement each other, rather than struggle for dominance.
7. The fact that I have very little to complain about, even when my entire life is a giant question mark.
8. The early part of the NBA season, during which neat little story lines spring up, like: The Utah Jazz are good now, what's the deal?
9. Sarah surprise-visiting last weekend.
10. My darling acoustic guitar, who keeps threatening to break for good, but always allows me to successfully repair it one more time...

And in the spirit of curmudgeony-ness (yes, please suggest a better word), here are four things I am definitely NOT thankful for (life rule: always maintain a 2.5:1 ratio of things you're thankful for to things you're not thankful for):

1. Columbia House, who simply cannot get their shit straight and accept things on my terms.
2. The approaching cold weather.
3. Work-night insomnia.
4. Getting really excited to have some Total Raisin Bran only to go to the kitchen and find that I don't currently own any.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Finding my voice (with my voice... and my guitar)

What kind of a blog is this, you ask? Well, friend, I'm not really sure... am I singing dumb songs for you, blathering on endlessly about myself, or telling you which nachos to avoid? Why don't you stay tuned and find out? Tonight, more songs...

After posting Thursday's song, I got a comment from one Grumpy Frump mentioning her hope that one day she get her own song. Well, I aim to please, so, several beers into my Friday evening, I picked up my guitar and got to work:

Don't Call Me Ma'am

Later that night, Kate and I got to talking and it was decided that her and Red's blog should also get their theme songs. So, I got to work:

Postcards From Kate

The Cupcake Tent

UPDATE: After experiencing remorse and regret for neglecting Sarah's blog, I got back to work:

Friggin' Sweet

The only sad thing is, having named my blog after a song, I can't rightly write one of my own...

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Just trying to rock your pants off

As most of you know, I write the occasional song. Sometimes I even write by request. If you ask me to write about feelings, relationships, joy or pain, you're going to be disappointed. But ask me to write about hating pants? I can DO that!

At Becca's this weekend, she told us a quick story, the punchline being "No pantalones!". It was then mentioned that this would make a great song title. But song titles need music and other words to surround them, and that's where I come in...

This is the result:

No Pantalones

Friday, November 10, 2006

Presently: fighting for your honor

I will be away for the weekend, so I leave you with this song. Listen to it, snuggle with it, tell it you love it, hold it close and never let it go...

Dedicated to you, my dear readers...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Showdown: Qdoba vs. Moe's or Nachofight 2006!

In any market, there are major and minor players, movers, shakers, winners and losers... today I turn my attention toward those hawking the culinary wares of the Southwest, where Tex and Mex meet, making their sweet symphony of succulent sustenance.

Always encouraged to write what I know, my analysis will focus solely on the nacho, and only on those available in the Northeast.

Chipotle - you're great, you've got the burrito down pat, but you don't really do nachos (and by the way, 16 locations in New York City and none elsewhere in NY? - please expand, we like you and we need you).

Baja Fresh - you also do the burrito well, and when ordered 'enchilada style' - muy bien! But nachos, not your forte either.

That said, there are two in these parts who offer the traditional nacho platter (tortilla chips covered in beans, cheese, jalapenos, salsa, and a choice of meat if you so choose) - Moe's Southwest Grill and Qdoba Mexican Grill. Having sampled both recently (yesterday and today), I present my side by side comparison:

Qdoba - your decor is inviting, your menu non-intimidating; I had high hopes. But your chips are too thick, your cheese sauce full of chunks I couldn't possibly find appetizing, and you don't have a flagship salsa. Instead, you require that I choose between your five unusual salsas. Should I order the nachos five times to figure out which works for me? Did you think your clientele might get on board with this, dividing themselves by salsa-allegiance, perhaps sporting t-shirts declaring "I'm a salsa roja!" and "I'm a salsa verde!"? Your gimmicks disgust me.

Moe's - upon entering, your employee's yell "Welcome to Moe's!", which, while goofy, is so warm and inviting. Your chips are thin, which forces me to focus on your wonderful white cheese sauce, your robust pinto beans, and your delightfully Americanized jalapenos, guaranteed never to offend the sensitive palate of a gringo. I am crazy about you!

Final thoughts:

Moe's - keep carrying that mantle, you will soon achieve victory through domination.

Qdoba - pack your bags; leave no black bean as a token of that lie thy cuisine hath spoken! Leave my nacholessness unbroken, quit the location beside my mall!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I had a nice time, Natalie Portman, but I think we should just be friends

While looking for an old e-mail, I ran across one of my favorite stories of Summer '05. Since it had only been told to a few friends, I figured I'd use this platform to share it with a (slightly) wider audience.

This is the actual e-mail I sent my friend... no edits (aside from some name-removal). Add your own capitalization, apostrophes, verb-tense agreement, unsalty language, whistles, bells, coherence, etc.

Date: Tue, 16 Aug 2005 00:37:05
To: Friend
From: Keith
Subject: neato story

so im sitting at home last night and dv im's me, asking if i wanna see the movie 'the aristocrats' (which was very funny). i told him no because i didnt have any money, but he was saying he needed to get out of his house and hed pay for me. so i went with him to huntingtons cinema arts center.

we got to the theater pretty early, so were just looking around at the people coming in. im sitting against the wall at the end of an aisle, and dv is next to me, closer to the middle. one guy we see come in has a sweater tied around his neck, aboot 50 years old, real douchy looking. him and the young girl hes with (seemed to be his daughter) attempt to take a seat a few rows back from us, so me and dv start making fun of his sweater-tie. they mustve not been satisfied with the seats, so they settle on our aisle, with the girl sitting next to dv. he takes no notice, but i stare at the girl for aboot five minuets (with dv sitting between us i had a decent vantage point for non-obvious staring). he finally sees me staring, looks at her, turns back to me and says "is that natalie portman?", to which i say "yep". she had her head shaved for a role recently, so her hair was pretty short, and she was tiny. anyway, we watched the movie, and i (of course) pretended i was on a date with her.

you know how i like to stay to the end of the credits, right? well she left right away, so me and dv sat there for a good three to five minutes watching credits, figuring wed never see her again.

we go out to dvs car to leave; the car next to us on the passenger side, a black acura, is on and ready to go. as im putting on my seatbelt, they begin pulling out and are just aboot to hit dvs car and i go "whoa!". i look up to see who the driver is... yeah, natalie portman.

she slowly and spastically finishes pulling out of the spot as we laugh at the bizarre events, thinking thats the last we see of natalie portman. some other cars go by towards the exit as dv pulls out and we leave.

fate interjects: natalie turns left, every car between us and natalie turns right, and we turn left and take our position behind her. we end up following (not on purpose, it was really the way we were going) her for aboot a mile. at this point she puts on the most hilarious display of timid and awful driving (a lot of uphill braking). dv wanted to pass her, so i had to yell at him. i didnt want him to scare her - shes too little and cute and obviously not too comfortable driving.

it ended as we came to a stoplight, the only two cars there, her going straight and us waiting to turn left. so at that red light i got my last moment of sitting next to natalie on our date. i think it went well.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Q: Where are my socks? A: Beck rocked them right off.

Having been away last weekend, I was glad to find roomie had recorded Saturday Night Live on the DVR. While rarely impressed with the show these days, I still like to catch it, if only to honor the place it held in my adolescence.

Beck performed this as his second song of the night, and I've been compelled to share it since:



The whole Thanksgiving-dinner-as-percussion thing - wildly creative. And as if that wasn't enough, the entire routine is mimicked with marionettes. Seriously, Beck? You're crazy.

To all future performers on shows where you get to do one or two songs: Come up with something bizarre and commit to it completely. I will be impressed.

(UPDATE: I guess this video got removed, and I can't find it elsewhere, but, trust me, it was neat.)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Hi! or 100 Things You Never Wanted To Know or The First Post, In Which Keith Introduces Himself Sheepishly And Is Met With Indifference

"Hello, it's me. I've thought about us for a long, long time." - Todd Rundgren


Look, I realize I'm late to the game, but the point is I'm here now. I've answered the call, decided to put pen to paper (this pen makes tapping noises and the paper is very bright), and this is where I start yelling...

Quacks go to the Mama Duck for leading the blind...

Without further ado, here's everything you never needed to know:


1. My blog name is a reference to Bob Dylan's "It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)".

2. I went to an all-boys Catholic High School. I'm ok with that now.

3. In Kindergarten, I went into the bathroom, removed all of my clothing, and ran around the classroom. I had to see the school psychologist.

4. I'm slightly claustrophobic.

5. I was asked to leave the Boy Scouts of America.

6. I was asked to leave the Pennsylvania State University.

7. I make stupid jokes and puns to make myself laugh. I really don't care if anyone else does.

8. I am currently attempting to walk away from a serious caffeine addiction.

9. At 23, I fell off a skateboard ramp and seriously injured my back. When I told my doctor the nature of my accident, she berated me for not acting my age. Rather than persuade me, her words only convinced me that I was much, much cooler than her.

10. I can't think of a single person that I actually hate.

11. When I was 6, my two young cousins and I were chased through the woods by some drunken teenagers after we stumbled upon their party. I still remember it vividly and cannot think of a scarier experience since.

12. I was in the 'Glee Club' in High School. We sang.

13. I still swear we had a pool table in our basement when I was younger, though my Mom and Dad both deny it.

14. Every night, I write a note of the things I need to do the next day. I carry it with me and cross things off as they're accomplished. I don't like anyone to see this note because it makes me feel crazy...

15. That's probably because I write things on the note like 'go to work'.

16. Sometimes people think I'm shy, but really I'm just listening more than I'm talking.

17. If you notice me listening to The Smiths for an extended period of time, you can assume I am very, very sad about something.

18. Every restaurant I go to, every band I hear, every movie I see gets two chances to impress me.

19. I am highly resistant to change.

20. When I was 8, I was thrown from a horse during a riding competition. I did NOT get right back on.

21. I have experienced constant neck and back pain since I was 20 for which I have tried chiropractors, physical therapy and various prescriptions. Long ago I gave up and just learned to live with it.

22. If you are around me for more than an hour or two, you will see me stretch my neck and shoulders in various ways to attempt to alleviate this pain.

23. When I am drunk, ask me if I think I could fight a (insert large dangerous animal here... bear, shark, cougar, attack dog). I promise I'll say "yes" and completely believe it.

24. I experience a massive case of alcohol-induced bravado.

25. People who wear sunglasses indoors make me angry. When you walk through a door, you have maybe 5 seconds to get your shit together and remove the shades.

26. If you throw something toward me, I guarantee I can catch it.

27. I will often hold objects in my teeth, like a dog, even if I have a free hand. It just feels natural.

28. I have devoted long periods of my life to vegetarianism, but I'm not sure I'll ever be prepared to make a lifelong commitment.

29. I recently found that I have a curious psychological similarity with NBA combo-guard Gilbert Arenas. Now I like him a lot.

30. If I could pick a year of my life to live over again, it would be 1997. Good times.

31. I wear my single-use contacts for at least five days straight.

32. Often I don't want to be anywhere near my cell phone.

33. I get by with a little help from my friends.

34. Every year I get a little more concerned that Paul McCartney will die soon. I'm not kidding when I say I will be completely shattered for a few days.

35. Ditto Bob Dylan.

36. I will only watch the show Intervention by myself. If roomie goes to the kitchen to get something or otherwise comes nearby, I will pause it until he goes away.

37. I love coffee.

38. I hate iced coffee.

39. I have never been professionally diagnosed, but almost everyone who has ever known me well has told me I have some form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

40. I have over 1500 CDs and 200 records.

41. When I'm cold, I shake like a Chihuahua, but rarely put more clothes on.

42. If you ask me a direct question, no matter how personal, I will be almost compulsively unable to lie.

43. I think I could teach a class on quality driving, however...

44. Parking a car is something I simply cannot do well.

45. In college, I created an entire dance routine to Jordan Knight's "Give It To You". People would knock on my door and ask me to do it. I would always oblige.

46. I love to dance, but absolutely despise any dances that tell me what to do or have any form of direction. I come to get down, but I need to do it freestyle.

47. I have over 35 pairs of shoes and 15 jackets.

48. Pre-party routine that I can't live without: playing obscenely loud music and dancing around my room.

49. The only sport I love is basketball, both to play and to watch. I'm slightly obsessive about it.

50. Favorite team: LA Lakers (Second: NJ Nets).

51. Favorite player: Kobe Bryant.

52. If the only foods that existed were pineapples, bananas, and nachos, I would be just fine.

53. More than once I have bought shoes that were too small for me simply because I thought they looked cool.

54. I rarely use capital letters or apostrophes; I'm trying to fix that.

55. I love parentheses (Parentheses are my favorite!).

56. Ever since my friend Mike and I saw the South Park movie, when we communicate with each other, the word 'about' is replaced with 'aboot'.

57. I find text-message shorthand very annoying. I prefer to type out the entire words.

58. I have a fairly scholarly knowledge of the films of Alfred Hitchcock...

59. ...and to a lesser degree those of Robert Altman, Akira Kurosawa, Woody Allen, Billy Wilder, and Stanley Kubrick.

60. At 15, I came home from school one day and my Mom told me my dog ran away. She hadn't bothered to go out looking for the dog, instead waiting for me to get home to do it. I never saw my dog again.

61. I was an only child until I was 13. I find this has given me a fairly unique both-sides perspective.

62. I've been to the movies by myself twice: I saw Sideways because everyone I knew had already seen it and I saw The Corpse Bride because I was in Vegas alone, waiting to check into my hotel (and that's what you do in Vegas when you have some extra time, you go to the movies).

63. I am an eternal, universal, unrepentant optimist.

64. My friends are occasionally frightened by the depth of my memory.

65. I was almost expelled from high school for creating and distributing flyers for a party at another kids house without his knowledge.

66. When my brother and I are together, we're rarely not laughing.

67. If you try to make my Dad laugh, he will get angry.

68. I'm much more sensitive than I let on.

69. I can't stand Led Zeppelin.

70. I have always had a knack for antagonizing people. I'm not sure how to use that for good.

71. I had a pyromania phase in my pre-teen years. I'm sure it was dangerous, but I just remember it as fun.

72. My bout with the flu a couple of years ago was really a nice vacation from work.

73. NewsRadio was the most underappreciated sitcom ever.

74. I will eat Skittles until I get sick.

75. I didn't stop using Sesame Street toothpaste until after college.

76. After all these years, I'm still amazed every time I put on a Beatles album.

77. I was once forced to move out of a dorm room because my roommate accused me of stealing his camera. He eventually found it, but never apologized.

78. When my roommate Frank's doorknob broke, I made him a new fully functional one out of a coat hanger and some duct tape. It lasted the rest of the year.

79. I play favorites with all my things: I can show you my top three sweatshirts, pants, shorts, shoes, pens, etc. I can even show you historical favorites which fell out of favor.

80. My childhood best friend and I had more fistfights than I could possibly count.

81. Career goal from age 6 to 12: slick corporate lawyer. The last thing I could see myself doing now: you guessed it...

82. Vodka & Tonic is my drink of choice whenever I find myself at an open-bar event.

83. I very rarely use a calculator - I enjoy doing math in my head.

84. Seinfeld was the most brilliantly written and hilarious television show of all time.

85. I could watch the movie Heathers every day for the rest of my life.

86. Ditto The Godfather.

87. At 14, I taught myself to play guitar. It remains my favorite thing to do and the thing I'm best at.

88. I dyed my hair black for High School graduation, clown orange when I got to Penn State, brown the first time I came home, bleach blonde when I returned to school, purple when I moved back home, and black when I went to Albany.

89. The Sweet Hereafter is the most emotionally devastating movie I've ever seen.

90. I grew a full beard a few years ago just to see if I could.

91. I had a blast at my five-year high school reunion, but skipped my ten-year.

92. First concert: Rancid/Rocket From The Crypt/Blanks 77 at Roseland Ballroom, NYC, March 96

93. Desert island reading: The History of Western Philosophy by Bertrand Russell, Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, and The Complete Poetry and Prose of William Blake.

94. From age 16 to 25 I had no more than 3 professional haircuts. The rest were done by friends or myself.

95. I say the only TV shows I watch are Mythbusters and Intervention, but really I would never miss an episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

96. When I was 9 I had this argument with my Aunt: I said that where a person is born is a random event, and therefore they should not be obligated to prefer their hometown sports teams. She argued that where a person lives is supposed to be a source of pride, and therefore one must like their local teams. I still think I was right.

97. I regret becoming fluent in French and then forgetting a good deal of it.

98. I like to write songs about my friends, robots, food, girls I've never talked to, poop, dogs, video games, and laziness.

99. My stock answer for whenever an out-of-stater asks me why I don't have a New York accent is "I was educated."

100. My weird TV-prejudice: If a show is an hour long and scripted, I'm really not interested.